Monday, December 26, 2005

Annual Noir Christmas Letter

Dear Friends, Relations and Acquaintances,

Well, we’re about to wrap up another year and what a year it was!

After six long years of living in sin, the Programming Brawler asked me to marry him and we actually went through with it. It was the most elaborate and fantastic expenditure of money I’ve ever personally experienced. If you’re getting this letter, you most likely were there and had an enjoyable, debaucherous time. And those of you who RSVP’d you would be there but didn’t show…well, you missed a pretty good party. To everyone who’s been askin’ me for the last six years “When you gettin’ married?” - the questions regarding grandchildren can now commence.

This, darlings, has been a year of firsts. I’ve just noticed my very first wiry silver hair. It’s growing straight up out of the middle of my bangs like an upturned middle finger greeting me every morning. I’m sure it’s the first of many.

Furthermore, I’ve had an additional first encounter with inevitable geriatric problems. Incontinence. No, not me, but my cat Mortimer has recently started showing his disfavor by sprinkling on top of clothing items that have been discarded onto the floor. He likes a tidy apartment, you see.

The Programming Brawler has abandoned the self employment dream and got himself a corporate job at a national bookstore chain that shall remain unnamed. It’s his first corporate job ever - in which he uses his computer talents to jockey the help desk in an underground silo. He spends his days behind a small desk, speaking on the phone to distant, desperate bookstore clerks who are tearing their hair out over check-out register computers that won’t cooperate.

On another note I’ve failed to give up potato chips, loose any weight, or decrease my drinking habit. In fact, I’m drinking a coffee with amoretto as I type this. And, mmmmmm, it’s good!

Unfortunately, I will not be enclosing the yearly photo with Santa. My sister and I went to the Ritzy Mall for our annual visit, but to our dismay, Santa was booked and was not taking anymore appointments. So, in place of that, here is a picture of me in my newest addition to my secret vice – hats. Thanks Great Aunt Delphine.

All the best always, darlings

Noir Muse

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Side Note

I was made today.

It's times like these when I wonder if I'm not really cut out for the business. Part of my job involves "secret shopping" aka lying through teeth. I phoned about 20 business yesterday and told them a complete lie. Today, one person called me back - and called me out. It's upsetting. I hate lying to people and I'm so bad at it.

I feel compelled to do something bad. Something like go to the Burger King and order a "veggie meat" sandwich. And fries. Grotesque.

Public Notice:
To all the businesses I called yesterday - so sorry if you spent any time following up on the line I fed you. If it means anything to you, those that took the time to figure me out – you’re an above average company and we’d probably love to do your marketing. You’ve got a good staff who’s serious ‘bout gettin’ the business. Merry Christmas or whatever.

Maybe it’s time for me to think about gettin’ some honest work. That, or the winter is beginning to suffocate me again.

Amuse me.

Email from me to my best girl:

Sorry I couldn't chat with you last night; my internet connection at home can be so spotty. Ask Jesus to give me a wireless internet connection for Christmas, will you? Then I can throw out the desk lamp/colander, k?

Reply from my best girl to me:

Jesus was born on Christmas...Santa gives out the gifts.
Click these images to help you tell between them:

This is Jesus

And here is Santa

Yowza! She is so awesome.