Gawd. My Manicurist.

I met the most fabulous manicurist today. I haven't had manicures before, and thought I should start. What excuse should I use for this indulgence? I'm a big girl now. I deserve it.

Normally I despise the encounters I have with these beauty professionals. They ask me questions like: Gee, are you a student? or Have any plans for the big weekend? Yawn. Please, please, please don't ask me to chat on about myself. Just cut my god forsaken hair. We don't have to talk. Ok?

Jeanie is from New York, or pretends to have that accent anyway. She is the most cynical, angry and bitter woman I have met in a long, long time. Someday I want to be just like her.

She grabs my hand and starts to file.

"Oh hun, you got nice nails. Pretty ring. Beautiful. You know I used to own this place. Not anymore though, and I hate what they've done with the decorations. It used to look sophisticated. Yeah, I just hope that the people who come in don't think that it's always been this way. Square tip or round?"

It goes on like this as I ask and she tells me all about how she got into the business, bought a store, loved it, retired to spend more time with her husband, and how he died a month later. She went back to work to get her mind off of it.

"Gawd. If I can give you any advice at all never get married and never have children. People get married just to have drama in their lives. 'Oh how I hate this serenity.' Please. I have four girls and they all live here. I wish one would go live on the east coast and one would live on the west cost. It would give me a reason to travel. The best thing I ever did was get a hysterectomy. I told my husband 'I'm getting a hysterectomy.' he said 'I'll get a vasectomy.' and I said 'No, you don't understand - I don't want to have another kid. Ever. No matter what happens. I'm not kidding.' Here put your hands in this dish sweetie."

She talked about politics:

"This was when you could just go and ask for a hysterectomy. Not like now. Gawd. The nerve of these doctors. Now you have to go to medical boards if you want something like that done. And they tell you if you can get a hysterectomy or not. You know what? It's my body and if I want a hysterectomy, you better give it to me. It's just like abortions. You are telling me whether or not I should be having this kid? I'm the one who has to take care of it!"

Her children:

"They all got married, and now they're all divorced. I knew it, I tried to tell them. I knew it wouldn't work out. What did I get? ::whiny voice:: 'But I love him. Your keeping me from my love.' Gawd. It was different when I was getting married. I didn't have sex with my husband before I married him. He was lucky he got to touch my boob."

Weddings:

"Now everyone lives together and then wears white. ::tisk:: It's ridiculous. I hate going to weddings. They're all the same. Look, if you have to get married, don't throw the bouquet. Don't do the father/daughter dance. Don't do that thing with the garter. Gawd. Where's the originality anymore? It's shameful.

Husbands:

"They don't really want to help take care of the children. They say they do but they don't. They pretend to help. That's all. They like pretending, but really they don't want to have anything to do with it."

Then she told me that I really should do something about my eyebrows and if I wanted, she could wax them right now since her appointment was late.

I am so addicted to her. The only thing missing was a cigarette dangling from her mouth. Considering the flammability of the materials she was working with, I guess I didn't miss it.