Saturday, April 15, 2006

Intern Pushes My Buttons (Part I)

I have no problem turning my head away if someone wants to make a personal call or check email or come in late sometimes. However, I swear our seventeen year old intern is testing me with her flagrant texting, myspacing, emailing and phone calls. It’s a constant flow communication of no substance whatsoever.

Her phone calls go something like this: “Hello. What? Yeah. Dude. No. No! I said ‘No’. Dude. Yeah? What. Bye.” That, followed by frenzied myspace activity while simultaneously text messageing someone on her Razr phone.

And I’m not talking about on one occasion. Not just once in a while. This is frequent and daily blatant messing around and it’s pissing me off.

Anyway. Supervisor asked me to say something to Intern about the barefaced misuse of company time – an unsavory chore for anyone. Plus, it was doubly irritating because I wanted to make my own cell phone call to my sister – something I couldn’t do directly after telling Intern we want her to work during work hours.

It went like this:

Noir: Intern, can I talk to you for a minute?

Intern: (Looks up from myspace and slowly, suspiciously, closes her Razr phone in the middle of a text message) Kaaaay?

Noir: Please come and sit next to me at my desk so we can talk.

Intern: (Pulling up a chair and swiveling nervously back and forth) Hi...

Noir: We need to talk about focus. I see that you are text messaging people quite a bit and making personal phone calls. This is not appropriate.

Intern: (Suddenly suffering from diarrhea of the mouth) Yeah sorry it’s just that my mom called and said that my sister was looking for her sweater that she just got last week at this super sale at the mall and she said I took it and I didn’t take it but I was telling her that I thought it was in the laundry but, you know, it wasn’t so but I tried to tell her that I didn't even know where it was because I didn't even take it! I tried to tell her that I was at work and she wasn’t listening so anyways.

Noir: ...right... (inhale, exhale) What I’m saying is that this is not appropriate. What are we going do about it?

Intern: (verbal diarrhea continues to spew) Well, yeah, I guess it might be a good idea if I left my phone in my car ‘cause you know that’s what I did twice last week, I mean I did it on accident and someone tried to call me like seven times, and I told all my friends over and over that they can’t call me at work, but the keep calling me anyways! I’m so mad! So, you know if I just keep it in my car I won’t use it so much and that would be, like, totally, totally ok with me.

Noir: Alright, let’s try that. Now, I see that you are on the internet a lot and I don’t think it has anything to do with work.

Intern: Sorry...

Noir: (Lowering voice and leaning forward as if to share a secret) You know...doing personal things on company time is ‘kinda like stealing. (solemn nod to my own point)

Intern: (sad voice) Sorry...

Noir: (Straightening up ‘cause secret sharing is over) Ok. Well, let’s just think about work and think about focus. Keep your computer use to work functions only. Intern, in my opinion you have a lot of talent (total lie) and with just a little more effort you have the potential to do really well in whichever career you choose (total lie).

Intern: Really?

Noir: Absolutely. (total lie) Top of class.

Intern: Wow! You know what? That’s just what my teacher said last week too! And I was like, 'WOW' because I’m always late for her class but it was only because I sleep in so late sometimes and then when I get to school it’s really hard to find a parking spot, you know? So I have to park ‘kinda far away and then I end up walking and I even got this blister on my foot to prove it. Did I show you that enormous blister? Anyways I’m late for her class, like three times a week, and SHE said I have a lot of talent, which I guess I do! And that she thought I could be really good if only I got there on time more often and did my homework. That’s SO cool!

Noir: I’m sure that’s the case...alright now, let’s get some work done. Do you have something to work on? (knowing full well that she does)

Intern: Yep!

These are the people I work with. God help me I don’t strangle someone.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

So much for Detroit...

Sunday, April 02, 2006


Sometimes, one of the best things I can do to cheer myself up is listen to the voicemail messages I’ve saved. I started saving them when a good friend left a song on my voicemail, it was Marilyn Monroe's I wanna be loved by you. I saved it to listen to again later and I just decided I was going to keep it. I've started collecting the best ones:

(a crazy acquaintance called during a fight with her crazy significant other)
Hi Carrie, it’s Kathy. I worked all day today and I gotta work again tonight. I could really use a friend right now. Just a minute ago Lloyd poured a bottle of banana liquor over my head. Lloyd, come here and tell Carrie what you did. Lloyd?! Lloyd!.......Don’t “yes” me! ::click::

(this from the programming brawler – said in a bewildered relieved tone. I’ve forgotten what it’s in reference to)
Hi...this is Chad...and...ah...I’m OK!

(my best friend left me this dream sequence)
Hey! I had a dream last night that you skipped work and came to see me and you had your hair done in a 50’s bouffant beehive. Ok, talk to you later!

Now I have a new one. It’s kinda long, but that is my mother’s way. She always starts her messages with “Hi Carrie, it’s me.” It’s like her signature opening; meaningless in itself, but always recognizable.

Hi Carrie, it's me. I just wanted to update you: I'm so proud of myself for this minor thing...but for me it's ...good.

Remember I told you I was going to take a kayak lesson and then the next weekend was the kayak vendor demo? And remember how last week the kayak lesson was canceled because it was so windy and the weather wasn't good for beginners?

Today was the vendor demo. I went to it and I went out on the kayak even though I didn't have a lesson. (sheepish laugh)

I just got brave and I did it. They gave me a quick paddle lesson. I went out and did it! I tried it and I like it and I'm going to get going on this thing!

(now sounding embarrassed) Ok ... so I'm proud of myself because I was kinda afraid to try it .... without a lesson first. (sheepish laugh)

Ok. Good bye. Call me when you get a chance. I love you. Ok. Bye.

My mom is so cute. CUTE.