Monday, October 24, 2005

Cold Turkey

I neglected to stop for a coffee this morning. There is no coffee at the office, as everyone else prefers tea or is allergic to caffeine. I thought I could simply buck-up and do without for once. Over the course of the day, I experienced the most hideous and extreme symptoms of withdrawal I ever imagined.

8 AM: I'm a little sleepy. What is this sensation? Hunger? Thirst? Hummm... It's not entirely evident.

9:30 AM: My boss and coworkers begin to look like Muppets - I have no empathy for their minor inconveniences and their soul-less eyes mock me. I check my top desk drawer for ephedra, I'm out.

10 AM: I've slumped to nearly eye level with my desk top and my tongue has split into a forked serpent tongue. The big boss - standing across from my desk - wants me to determine why the copy machine won't accept copy paper. I look up from under my eyelids and hiss.

11:30 AM: The headache has begun. I've thrown two temper tantrums so far and have come dangerously close to beaning a coworker with my Swingline.

12:15 PM: My headache is unbearable. I'm curled under my desk, fists pressed to my temples, teeth grinding. I feel a distinct fraternal bond with recovered heroin addicts.

3 PM: Co-workers have finally come to the conclusion that it's better to leave wounded animals to themselves to recover or die alone. This, in itself, is a small relief.

5:30 PM: The programming brawler comes to retrieve me, wraps me in a thick towel to immobilize my claws and spiny tail. Being trained in emergency situations he knows to drive to the nearest gas station. He purchases a coffee and moistens a sponge to dab on my lips. I attempt to bite his fingers.

I’m currently succumbing to a redeye at the local internet café and feeling much better, thank you.


Blogger Mike said...

We ran out of Dr Pepper two days ago. The children managed to stay alive until 6:30 tonight, when we finally made it to the grocery store.

Since I slammed a couple of warm ones, (sodas, not kids...) in the parking lot, I think everyone is safe, now...

Except the jackass in the BMW who cut me off in traffic on out emergency run. I'd run him over, caffeine or no.

12:10 AM  
Blogger Noir Muse said...

Finally! Someone who understands!

10:40 AM  
Blogger cl said...

You need to buy some caffeinated mints or gum for such emergencies... Penguin Mints makes some. My sister gave me a few mints before we went holiday shopping last year, and I nearly got thrown out of Jones.

6:59 PM  
Blogger greyguitar said...

My favorite was 3pm.

I'm on my 5th cup of coffee today alone--and it's 715pm!

This past summer I simply forgot to drink coffee one morning and went about the day. By the time the afternoon came I had the immense headache you speak of. I finally made a pot and was drinking it outside whilst playing some frisbee in the 100 degree heat. But hey, it worked!

7:18 PM  
Blogger Noir Muse said...

cl - That's a good idea. I should make a survival kit with those mints, a bottle of Pamprin, Shout wipes and a can Dr. Pepper for under my desk.

Robin - I can just see you sweating and trying not to slosh coffee out of your big mug with one hand while at the same time reaching for the Frisbee…
(Controlled lunge!....ginger sip...backhand return!)

9:34 AM  

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