Friend's Wedding

I just got back from a friends wedding. She looked beautiful, as brides usually do. He looked very sharp - a tux will do that. Cider beer, vodka, champagne, pucker and red wine (in that order - ugg!) was flowing. I made my self totally drunk per my regular mode of operation. Danced a little in that circle of people that always seems to form in public dance settings. My own fella spun me around the dance floor a few times. It was a very nice, very humble, normal wedding.

Then The Fiancé provoked a fight. Sigh. Yes.

I was busy bumping my glass over and making an ass of myself at a table with my friends, (Who, I am sure, are sick of my weak alcohol tolerance and obnoxious behavior...I doubt I'll be invited to any more weddings with them.)
when the Irish Chef walked up to announce that The Fiancé was outside with his sleeves rolled up, $5 on the table and trash talking to a navy seal. Truthfully, Irish Chef is a bit of a blow hard and my immediate reaction was to shrug my shoulders. Irish Chef''s wife, however, went right outside to do something about it.

God.

So I went. I went because I don't want anyone spilling their thin blood at this wedding where I am hours from anywhere and I don't know my way and I couldn't drive if I wanted to.

The Fiancé and the navy seal guy are standing together, drinks in hand (of course) and talking in slightly elevated voices. Navy Seal Guy tells me that, as his better half I'm supposed to be the voice of reason for The Fiancé. The Fiancé is telling everyone that has gathered that he wasn't trying to be a bully. I listen in uncomfortable silence for a minute while everyone tries to calm tensions and let this continue to be a nice celebration of love and union. I unroll The Fiancé sleeves and say "We're going. Now." He gets my coat, we start to leave, because, what else do a couple of assholes at a party do at this point?

There were some half hearted "Oh, leaving so soon?" I try to be graceful and not make a scene. The Fiancé, for some reason, wants Navy Seal Guy's contact info. Uh...ok. We go back and try to make nice. Navy Seal Guy asks me where I'm from. (This isn't unusual. People ask me this frequently and it's sort of a joke among my friends. I look vaguely foreign and could easily pass for Russian, French, German, Israeli or whatever.) Sometimes I tease people and tell them I'm from some other country, even though there isn't a more plain vanilla person than me out there. Obviously, if I do this party trick it is ALWAYS among friendly company.

I laugh and tell Navy Seal Guy that I'm an American. The drunk Navy Seal Guy softens and smiles kindly. "Wow, that's so great. That's real patriotism right there, you know? Most people will say that they're 'Spanish American' or 'Latin American' Wow, that's great."

Then The Fiancé actually tells Navy Seal Guy that I'm Egyptian. As a joke of course. To The Fiancé, I am so clearly Midwestern and white, that to say I am Egyptian is just an absurd, hilarious joke.

Navy Seal Guy's eyes widen. "Whoa! That's really cool. Can you speak or write the language at all?"

We are all a little confused and a lot drunk. And instead of trying to explain this complex misunderstanding, I just shake my head and say good evening and split dragging The Fiancé into the parking lot.